Strangers in the Pines: S2 Ep 1 Home Sweet What!?

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Oh, what the f-... [screams] Oh. Oh, fuck. [coughs] Oh, man. Oh. Where am I? Oh, it's dark. [sighs] This is not good. Oh. [groans] Shadow Chad, where are you, man? This is not good. [coughs] This is not good. I'm pinned. [groans] I can't, I can't shadow jump. Where are you? There's plenty of shadows with the lighter. [sighs] [groans] Oh, fuck. Well, this isn't good. This may be it.

[sighs] All right. All right. Let's see. I need to leave a message. Where's, where's the journal? Where's the journal? All right. Dad, Father, I guess you got what you wanted. No more me. Guess you can make yourself a new heir now. You got what you wanted. [coughs] Screw you and your fae and your monsters and your taking advantage of it and your mining all the fracking resources.

I've had it. I'm tired. It hurts. My legs are pinned. I can't get up. I've had it. And Stone, Sheriff Stone, I'm gonna haunt your ass forever. I've had it. I've had it. That's it. Shadow Chad, where are you, man? Where? Where are you? Where are you? Where are you?

We see a busy office filled with sharply dressed people hurriedly going about their duties. An electric tension hangs over the space as phones ring, frantic notes being scribbled as excitable callers give reports and demand answers of an event that has the country and world abuzz. An unidentified individual timidly walks up to a half-open doorway stenciled With the name Agent Nathaniel Maddox.

In unassuming lettering, typical of a government agency. The door opens just enough to see a middle-aged man at a desk turn in his chair to greet the person at the door with a beckoning wave of his hand and with a single nod of his head. In his other hand, he holds a corded telephone, which he is intently listening to as he gives short affirmations to the person on the other end.

He holds a single finger up as if to say, "Just one more minute," before he motions for his guest to take a seat.

The town of Pineforge in the Pacific Northwest of the United States had a strange seismic event on October 10th, 1996.

And that group of three to four kids?

Yes, we had eyes on four local teenagers we believed to be anomalous.

They have anything to do with Pineforge?

We're still investigating the possibility. They vanished at the sheer cliff face outside of town at 19:10, and then at 20:05, the whole mountain imploded, taking Pineforge with it.

Have you located the anomalies?

Currently, the four subjects are MIA and believed dead.

I see. Continue to monitor the situation at the town. Keep at distance.

Understood. We've started cleanup, and we're using Woodmore Industry's extensive mining of the mountain to spin the events as an unprecedented accident.

Excellent work, Maddox. Keep up with general normalization protocols.

About Stygian, sir. We've also have reports of unsanctioned special ops teams converging on the mountain moments before the implosion. All sources indicate Stygian's involvement.

I see. Most unfortunate. You and your team will need to be on high alert to prevent further leaks. Failure is not an option, Maddox, but I presume you already know this.

Yes, of course, Director. We will make sure the events are censored to the outside, and we'll keep you updated. Thank you for your time, Director. Agent. Welcome to Pineforge. It's a small, quaint town. Well, at least it was before the cataclysm. October 10th, 1996, all of Bell Mountain imploded. Some supernatural or extranatural force destroyed half of the town, and now we have a unsanctioned militant group, the Stygians, sweeping the city, taking citizens.

Can't go on like this. We need to get eyes on these anomalous teenagers we've been tracking. So far, we've only found the dead body of the heir of the Woodmore estate, and it was grizzly. But you know what? I think those kids are still out there. I think they're trying to solve the mysteries of Pineforge and find out what's happening with these strangers in the pines. The pines.

The pines.

Your vision of the kaleidoscopic tunnel of rainbow pools of light begins to move faster as the three of yourselves feel yourself tugged at the waist, an invisible thread of force connecting you and a window of gray color. Drawing you closer and closer, you flinch as you're pulled through the pool, and as you do this, your vision goes black. Just for a second, and as the black spots slowly fade, you're greeted by a familiar sight: granite cave walls, veins of silver, blast marked cracks, and a rusted old barrel.

And in an instant, you remember this scene. This is the cave where you fought the burrowers. And as far as you all know, you're back home. What are people feeling?

Oh. Oh, God. Oh. Oh, man. Guys, oh, we're back. Oh, my head is spinning. Danny Dottie, are you guys here?

This better be the right universe.

I think I might be sick. Oh.

Ugh.

So luckily, this cavern, these veins of silver are glowing ever so faintly, just enough that you all, your night vision is enough to be able to make out most of the details in this cave. The first of which you notice is the breach that you saw created by the mine shaft, that's gone completely. It doesn't even look like it was made. It all looks like natural stone again. Which is new.

None of the, none of the rest of the cave has been altered in any way. The scenes of your fight are still very much evident here.

Okay. Well, that's odd.

Maybe Dottie was right. Maybe we're not in the right universe.

Hmm. I really hope we are 'cause-

Because if there's more than one, then that could be, that can mean that there's more than two.

Yeah.

There's, in fact, infinite universes we could have been spit out into, but let's just find out more than this. This is... Eh. Let's just keep going. I don't wanna think about this. Oh, God, I hope I'm wrong for once.

I don't wanna be in another universe, especially if Lucas or myself is the Woodmore, the Chad Woodmore of this universe. I don't want, I don't want to do that.

Yeah. I don't know. Living in a mansion might be tight, though.

Yes, that's true.

No. We'll just... Let's just... I really wanna meet my parents again. Let's just get out of here.

You know, this kinda reminds me of that show on TV. I don't know if you guys seen it before. It's called Sliders. They, like, go from universe to universe. Maybe somebody has a remote control and we can just, like, hop through. That'd be tight.

I don't really like watching TV

Yeah. Okay

I don't think I've seen that show

So you make your way slowly through the cave. You guys are nursing injuries from the battle scene you just left, and after a few minutes of marching up a familiar path, you guys breach out into the open air.. The familiar scent of late summer wind catching that crisp smell of pines just sends all of you into a fantastic state of feeling at home. Although, as you look out upon, amongst the valley, that feeling changes immediately as you all feel, all of you feel the pits of your stomach sink as Three Bells Mountain, the mountain in which the portal was housed, is gone, the only thing left being a massive crater in this natural setting.

And standing on this slight hillock, you can look over the entirety of Pineforge and it is, it is a scene of destruction. You see stones the size of houses peppering the town, the hill, everywhere. You see that your high school, half of it is completely gone, just crushed under a massive limestone boulder. And in this instant, you all realize that this is what you left. This is what happened when you all left.

Holy fricking crap, y'all.

This might be our universe. Oh, boy, but no.

Ooh.

Maybe we should go to a different universe.

Lucas, everything looks destroyed. Everything looks destroyed, Lucas.

It does. Oh, God. Oh, God, I hope everyone's okay. Oh, my God. It's so bad. Ugh, shit.

I will say, as you look closer, and as you're starting to panic and lose your minds, you see the small forms of a few cars and a few vehicles moving throughout the ruins of Pineforge. So that at least gives you some reassurance that not everyone is gone.

There's, there's some people down there. They're, they're not all gone. People made it. Oh, man.

There's just rocks everywhere.

Dottie, can you take us to my house?

I'm barely standing. I can try just for you, Lucas, I guess. It's not like I just wanna meet my family or whatever.

I mean-

It's not like I've just been... Whatever

... We can go to your house first?

No, you're fine. Can we, please?

Yeah. Yeah, of course. It's fine. It's fine.

You're all right, Lucas. You're all right. I'm going to head towards the tree and try and do a key thing.

Do you wanna just take Danny and I can, I can just-

No, we need to stick together. No more splitting up, not until we're all with our families. No more splitting up.

Yeah, fair enough.

As you finish that sentence, as you're moving towards this tree, a shotgun blast [shotgun blast] rings through this small glade as that tree that you were about to touch just completely, like a like a four-foot chunk of it just gets vaporized by buckshot.

Jinx.

As you hear the s... Jinx?

Yeah.

But you can't see what's coming towards you yet.

Holy shit. Okay. I definitely, like, kinda get in the front to try and become a meat shield for everybody, not changing shape, but just, like...

Okay

Which is funny 'cause everyone else is about taller than me. [laughs]

Danny, what are you doing?

Just a jinx. Just scared. He-

Wild jinx

... He's scared.

Fear heads in-

All right

... Jinx happens.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So you all, you all prepare. Lucas, you get in a defensive position. Danny, you look around wildly as you feel some of your power leave. Dottie, you pull your hand away extincta- instinctively from this tree as cresting the hill, surrounded by the sounds of Blackwater by the Doobie Brothers, flies a massive minivan, but this thing has been modified beyond belief. It's sporting massive truck tires, a roll cage, a winch, and from the window a shotgun modified in all kinds of ways that you can't, you all can't even understand.

Flies this minivan, and it lands with a squealing halt as exiting is a familiar face that you have seen around Pineforge.

Hang on real quick.

Now-

If we're able to spin around and see this minivan, like, roll up like this, I definitely think that an interference would happen from the jinx from the...

All right.

So I got hold two plus because the first thing that happened is Lucas, like, covered us, Lucas is gonna get a plus one, but then as we see this minivan roll up interfere with what a monster or minion is or, you know, trying to do, I think that the minivan spins out uncontrollably. It doesn't have to flip or anything or crash, but, like, it's not as cool and graceful- [laughs]...

As, uh-

No, I love it. You do this and you feel some of your power leave you instinctively, and you hear a like a very loud curse come from this vehicle as even though you all can't see this, the wheel yanks all the way to the right as the car actually does flip, roll, and hits a tree, [tires screeching] landing on its tires. Luckily, due to the roll cage, it looks relatively undamaged, but you watch as three figures sort of fall out of it and scramble

As... Does that give us enough time to maybe scramble ourselves and try to find some cover?

Yeah, absolutely. If you guys want to find some cover, you can.

Yeah, totally. Behind the trees. There are giant trees here, right?

They're fairly large pines, yeah.

Yeah. Guys, get behind the trees. Quick.

Okay. What... Maybe we could talk to them? I don't know. What, let's hide.

Yeah, we could try to talk to them, but they're blowing things up already. Who knows who they are? Just don't stick your head out. Maybe yell from around the tree, you know, like they do in, like, hostage negotiations or something.

As you all are speaking you see one of the figures get out. It appears to be smaller than the man that is scrambling for the shotgun that has fallen out of his grasp. But you can't tell any of the features because they're all covered in what looks like television static. As they extend a hand and a wave of this static flies out, and every time it hits a, hits a piece of a tree or ground, you watch as it just eats it, just dissolving in, into nothingness, as this wave move moves towards you guys.

Hey.

This-

Are you gonna tell... You talk. You talk.

I, what.

Bullet time. You guys have... It is coming at you guys. You have about five feet until it hits, Lucas.

We surrender.

Oh, God. Why did I let Dottie talk? [laughs]

Actually, as Dottie, you say that, the wave stops and starts to recede, and you see, like, a path of this gray destruction where the wave touched as the, this figure, this man grabs his shotgun and goes, "Hey guys, good job. All right, come on out, just so where we can see you." As he cocks his shotgun again and points it at you guys.

We come in peace.

Well, as long as you guys come in peace. You don't look very peaceful.

This figure that was wrapped in the television static, it sucks inside themselves as, Lucas, you see your friend from the AV Club, Mark, standing there.

What the fuck, Mark?

Messy hair, glasses.

Holy shit. Lucas?

How the hell'd you do that? What the hell? You're... What'd you do, what the fuck? And I just, I move towards him.

He actually wraps you in a hug. He was like, "Oh, my God, we thought you were gone. We thought, we thought, we thought when the cataclysm happened that you were gone."

I awkwardly hug him. Oh yeah, well, the cat... You mean... Okay, yeah, uh-huh, I could see how that could be a cataclysm. Yeah.

As this happens, you see Lucas, a almost familiar face as a as a girl with curly, dark auburn hair and a mischievous, actually now a rather annoyed frown steps out of the minivan, as you're looking on the face of Liz. Only she looks different. Instead of being in the cargo shorts and hiking boots that you saw her in the other universe, she's now dressed in black combat boots dark ripped jeans, as her hair now sports a long streak of this blue-green dye in it.

As she looks at all of you and opens a palm, and inside it forms a ball of this molten green fire.

Whoa. Whoa. Hey, Mark what the hell's going on, buddy?

Spirit, get back here right now.

What'd you call him? Spirit? Like the-

As she says that, Mark looks at you and then bolts away.

Hey, wait, no. Mark. No, I like the human shield aspect of our hug. Okay.

Hey Lucas' friend, what's my last name?

Mark looks at you and goes-

You're Dottie Loosecuff

We're in the right universe. Okay. Or at least a universe I'll take.

The right-

Oh, thank God.

Shit, good to... Good... Dottie, shut the hell up.

The right... Miguel, the man holding the shotgun, the one you know as a Doober driver looks at you guys and goes, "Right universe."

"Holy shit. Are you guys are travelers, aren't you?"

Yeah, well, hmm, yeah, I guess.

I mean, not currently. We're arrivers. [laughs]

Yeah. Um-

"Mark, do you know these guys?"

You know us.

Uh-

We've ridden the Doober van, like-

Yeah, um-

... A dozen times. Didn't we ride in the Doober van? Maybe we didn't. I, we've rode in a Doober van a few times.

I didn't. I'm not allowed. My mom said to never ride in the van-

Oh, that's true

... With Miguel.

But I've rode with you, like, a couple times from those parties, remember? Doober. Remember Doober? Yeah? No?

Miguel, you know me.

You're-

It's Dottie

... You're the little skate, you're the little skate kid, Lucas, and oh, my God.

Yeah. Dottie looks a little different-

All right

... But that's still Dottie.

I, listen, I've just, I've had a time, all right?

She, I know she doesn't normally wear makeup and, you know, really nice clothes and stuff, but-

I wear makeup, you just can't tell.

Oh.

Whatever.

In Lucas' mind Danny says actually in Dottie's mind too he'll say, "They have powers. Why do they have powers? No one had powers except for us, from what I knew and could remember."

Yeah, I don't have any idea, Danny, but let's, let's definitely, you know, be a little bit on guard here 'cause who knows what the hell's happening.

Okay.

Hey you, and I point at Liz, who I don't really know. It's like, you, hey, you do realize when people surrender, you don't keep threatening them, right? Geneva Convention.

Yeah, mm, that doesn't always fall into the case with strange extraplanar entities that wanna come and, I don't know, eat our eyeballs.

I... Well, A, I don't, but also, I don't think that's how that works.

To be fair, eyeballs are gross.

McGale, the test.

And you watch as McGale pulls out what appears to be a small cone-shaped rock. It just it's an unassuming rock, and sort of walks over and sets it about five feet away from them and then walks back and goes, "All right, you all, we just need to do one thing, then we will be, we'll be peaceful. You guys seem okay so far. We've got people vouching for you. You at least look like kids I remember transporting back in the good old days.

But if you'd be so kind as to touch that stone real quick."

Is this a stoner thing? [laughs]

Literally-

No, but that's a funny ass joke.

Yeah, that was pretty good, Dottie.

I don't, I don't get it.

It's okay, Danny. It's not very good. And I will go up, and I will touch the stone.

Dottie, as you touch the stone, you feel a sort of strange, deep, resonant power in it, but it's not malicious in any way. It's very neutral. You've sort of gotten a little bit better at feeling, at least with natural things whether or not they belong or are malicious or neutral. With this, it's powerful, but it doesn't seem intent on harming anything as you pull your hand away.

Okay. What is that, though? That seems like something a little bit more powerful than your average Uber driver should be driving around with. Also, the shotgun, I mean. And whatever else is going on. Whatever. Lucas, I guess you're next, or Danny.

Yeah, Danny.

Decide between yourselves.

Rock, paper, scissors?

It... I guess-

Rock

... I guess we can, we can play that, but-

Paper

... Um-

Danny reads his mind to know what he's gonna choose. [laughs]

Nice.

Does he wanna go f-

Perfect. [laughs]

Did he wanna go first or second?

I don't think he even thought that far through... Yeah, no, what-

Damn it, you beat me. Are you going or am I going? I'll let you pick.

Oh, I guess Dottie's okay, so I can... Okay, I'll go. And as he's walking towards it, he's thinking, like, so hard about, like, this rock and, like, just touching it, and that's, you know, what we're supposed to do, that I think he inadvertently uses his telekinesis, and the rock, if possible, flies into his hand.

You reach out, and it's, it's very strange, especially after you absorbed all those entities in the other, in the other dimension. Your powers have never felt more intense, and even just reaching out, your sort of general thoughts on, "I wanna go touch this rock," are so strong that the rock flies from the ground and into your hand. It feels like a normal rock. You feel fine. It's cool, which is nice.

Kinda cool, smooth.

It feels like a normal rock. It's it's nice, and it's smooth, and it just feels like a normal rock. Here you go, Lucas.

Oh, and Lucas takes it from his hand as he walks it over to me. Okay. I, like, smell it. Does anything weird happen?

No, I mean, it smells very neutral. You get a little smell of earth. But it feels like just a normal, cool stone.

Well, this is cool and all. Is this important to you guys?

Yeah, it actually you're good to go. And you watch as McGale puts his shotgun away, and Liz extinguishes the ball of flame in her hands.

Yeah, sweet. I don't completely trust you guys, so I'm just gonna hold onto this, and I eat the rock.

As you do that, they're like, "No, oh."

Don't worry, I can get it back at any time, and not the way you're thinking.

Lucas, if you want them to trust us, you should probably not be eating rocks.

Well, you know, she's got fireballs. He's got a crazy shotgun. They've got a really cool doober van, sweet van now, just by the way, and for some reason, my best buddy is, like, shooting television static at me. So, you know, sorry if I'm not the trusting type, you know. I just came through a portal from another dimension, and we're happy to tell you about it, but...

I'm not saying trust them. I'm saying don't eat rocks.

Oh, I didn't eat it. I, like, stick my hand down in my throat and pull it out [laughs] and then put it back.

You're really not helping matters. Oh, boy. How are we gonna explain this at school? Is there a school?

Lucas, I'm assuming as you put your whole hand down your throat, it is a display, even if it's minor, of your powers.

Right, yeah, exactly. Like, I'm like, "Oh, you guys got fireballs. I can do this weird thing." [laughs]

As you do that Mark's eyes go wide. He's like, "Dude, what the hell?"

Oh, you know, you know when people put swords in their mouth and shit? I learned how to do that

Lucas, I'm not a fucking idiot. You just pulled a rock the size of a fist out of your mouth like a snake.

Yeah, exactly.

What the shit, man?

I'll tell you guys about it-

You guys are cursing a lot

... When we're safer and I'm not worried about fireballs and shotguns. Are you guys gonna give us a lift, or do we have to walk back? [laughs]

You should always be worried about fireballs.

Uh-

Thanks for the notice Smokey Bear [laughs]

That van, that van rolled and then hit a tree. I don't know if it's safe to drive.

It looks pretty sturdy though, you don't think, Danny? It looks pretty sturdy to me.

How many seat belts does it have?

Oh, good question.

Oh, six-seater, six seat belts. You'll be fine.

Okay.

That... As you probably know, that's not an ordinary van. It's the doober van.

I remember it goes really fast.

Do you have helmets with microphones? [laughs] Minivans are kind of like the helicopters of the ground. [laughs]

That is a terrifying and inaccurate comparison.

The last helicopter we were on, it did not end well, so you know, he's a little skittish.

Yeah, you know, not a huge fan of helicopters right now.

It's a van, guys. It's just a van.

Luckily, yeah, luckily for you guys it's not a helicopter, it's a minivan.

Maybe we did get stoned. This stone works real good.

Do we, do we have to pay for this? Because we just-

I don't do drugs. I don't-

Because I need to go to a hospital. [laughs] And you know, that's gonna cost a hefty penny, and you know, maybe this is like an ambulance drive. Are ambulance drives free? I... Are they? No, huh? No.

If you would be so kind as to come with us, you can keep that stone, but we have a lot of questions. I'm sure you guys have a lot of questions, and-

We do, yeah

... You definitely need medical attention, and we have a place where you can get medical attention free of charge and have your questions answered. How does that sound?

That sounds pretty good.

That does sound pretty good. You... Are my parents alive?

I'm not gonna lie, Dottie, I've been pretty busy since the cataclysm. I'm not sure.

When you said, "I'm not going to lie", that gave the indication that they were dead, and I was prepared for the worst, but I'm glad that sentence ended the way it did.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm, I'm full of... Oh, God, just drive us to your magic destination, I guess.

Wait, Dottie, can't you do that thing and go right to your parents? Didn't you, like, find me and other people before?

Yeah I'm not splitting up.

We can just go with you. We'll find... We know the doober guy, right? We can find him later.

I...

I don't know what, which, what happened or what you guys know since apparently you left and came back, but for people that are like us, like you, Lucas it's not safe to walk the streets alone anymore.

Oh.

Oh, cool. We're just fine. We'll just go with you. Just get my parents, all right?

Yeah, okay. I'll hop in.

Okay. Do you guys... Do you want any waters? I've got some waters back here.

Yeah, sure.

Here you go.

Why do you have waters?

For people that need waters.

Once a doober driver, always a doober driver.

I always dig the service, and I give him a high five.

You know what? Thank you for that, little man. It's been a while since I got to do something like this.

When I give him a high five, I wanna infect him.

[laughs] [laughs]

Oh, what a sweetheart.

Roll use infection.

Yes! Act under pressure, I got 11.

Okay. He is infected.

Yeah, I'm not-

Perfectly fine

... I'm, I'm not trying to use the infection at all. I just... Like, I think instinctively I don't trust him, and so this is the easiest way for my, like... My body reacts automatically is what I'm thinking, like, as I go to give him a high five.

No, that makes sense. No, yeah, you high five him, and in that instant a piece of your parasitic flesh slips into his. [laughs]

Just like a tiny little, like, needle prick, you know? Bloop.

Yeah, it's like a like a tiny little needle of bone that just gets in there, and then it morphs into flesh and starts spreading out.

Yep.

I mean, like, it's, it's so tiny that you could probably couldn't even see it. It's, it's microscopic.

It's like a hair thin.

It's like a cellular level.

A little bit of a prick, yeah.

Yeah, cellular level. [laughs] So-

Lucas's little prick

... So you guys- [laughs] You guys... Yeah, Lucas's little prick.

Thanks, guys.

So you guys get in the van, and you guys are taken off the mountain and are driving through the town. Two in the front-

Okay

... Three in the middle, three in the back.

Okay.

Right now the seating arrangement is obviously Miguel's driving Liz is in the passenger seat, and then you guys are in the back of the minivan. So it is first-

Nice. So then I'll sit next to Mark.

Danny would absolutely insist that everyone wear a seat belt.

I'm totally fine with that.

As you go to say that, you watch and, like Miguel, Mark, and Liz already have their seat belts on. So they, like, instantly enter the car and seat belt on.

Just so you know, they're they're safety. Like-

They're super safety oriented.

Danny nods approvingly. [laughs]

Nice. I lean over to Mark and I'm like, "Psst, hey, Mark. Hey, who's that chick?"

That's, that's Liz. Um-

She's one of, she's one of the new generations, like me.

Okay, that's a whole lot to unpack, but could you tell me more about her and less about you? No offense.

Is this something Danny can overhear?

If you were leaning close enough-

Yeah. Oh, yeah

... We're definitely whispering.

See, what I can think is, like, Danny, like, leans in to hear, and then his mind starts doing telepathy on Lucas-

Yeah, sure

... And so he's just listening to the conversation through Lucas.

Honestly I don't know too much. We don't exactly talk about a lot of personal information. You'll know more about that later. But I mean, she's, she's been good so far. Um-

Okay, that's fine. So tell me... And then-

I wish I could give you more, Lucas, but I'm, I just can't.

I kinda like wave in Dotty and Danny. I'm like, "Okay, so you were saying something about the, this new generation. What are you talking about?"

I shouldn't have even said that. One will explain everything to you guys.

Who will?

One.

What? One? I'm hating this. I do not want to be told things by somebody named One. Next I'll be talking to Prime, and then Main Leader.

What about Two? Can I talk to Two? Just kidding. Okay, fine. And I just put my feet back, and I put my hands behind my head and just act like I'm chilling, even though I'm freaking out.

You're chilling?

I'm not. I'm I'm going to say to him, "So why are you keeping information from us? Why does it need to be in a special little container for us all to... Are we gonna be brainwashed?"

No. No, we just need to... We can't divulge a lot now. There's-

We're in a van.

That stone that you all have is used to locate doppelgangers. [wind whooshing]

The American territories, North Dakota, the year 1887. A man flees for his life, hunted by his former compatriots. The sun sets in the distance, and he knows there's little hope for him. The man's name is Ezra Gray, and he has accumulated a fearsome reputation in his 28 years. He's been known as many things in his time: bank robber, murderer, and cattle rustler, to name a few.

But as he rounds into an abandoned church, hoping to find peace and sanctuary, the sound of his doom echoes in the distance. [western music] This is Pit of the West, a weird western podcast written by Tanner Adams and produced by B Wynn, with main cast voices by Patrick Kilday, Billy Norris, and Matt McCann. [wind whooshing]

What the fuck is a doppelganger?

Lucas, you cursed.

Sorry. Sorry, Danny.

As Mark says that Liz turns around. She goes, "Spirit, enough."

You know, he has a name. It's, it's Mark.

Yeah. I've been, I've known Mark for, like, seven months now, so obviously I know his name, okay?

As you guys are driving through the town, your attention is sort of drawn away from the conversation as you're now actually in Pine Forge proper. And you, none of you have ever seen a war zone before, but you can only imagine this is what it looks like. It is the home that you remember. All the buildings are the same. The more brick, the older, the less of the sci-fi and advancement.

But there's so much just debris and rubble. You guys are driving around craters and massive stones. You see very few people out, maybe one or two people walking around just sort of solemnly. But the main thing that catches your eye is on all these sites, all these boulders and cleanup sites, instead of it being police tape, it's a simple white tape, and on it is a hand holding a torch full of black flame, and below it reads Stygian.

Most important thing, as we drive through the town do we pass by Duck Juice?

You actually do not. You are, none of you are aware of the status of Duck Juice.

I tap on the thing and I'm like, "Hey Duber, could you swing by Duck Juice? We could all use, like, a Frappuccino or, like, a, like, a Paradise Dragon Flame or something."

Sure.

You could just-

I mean, I guess so

... You could just say no. [laughs] But like, we don't... You could say, "We don't have time for that." That's totally fine. I just-

No, so do... Like, [laughs]... Like, I am still the Duber, the Duber driver, and I will guarantee service to my customers. Besides, I don't think you guys are gonna do anything too stupid. So, and I can... You guys look rough. I can, you guys can stop and get a juice.

Yeah. [sighs]

You guys drive up, and lo and behold, Duck Juice sits there, a neon open sign still blazing away in that window.

Do they have a new, a newly renovated drive-through?

Absolutely not. Duck Juice is a enter establishment always.

Lucas, I don't wanna go into Duck Juice, especially after what happened in the other dimension.

Yeah, okay, fair enough. Hey cool girl, could you get like a... You can get like a few juices for us? We're- we've been disappeared, but I don't wanna just pop up. You know what I mean? You know, and we don't have any money, so...

Oh, yeah, that's true.

She straight up, like, visibly ignores you, Lucas. Just, in fact, she goes out of her way not to answer you.

Hey, dye-in-the-hair girl. Daria girl, over there. Hey.

I think she's ignoring us.

Why? We're not even that obnoxious yet.

Oh, I can get obnoxious. Hey.

I guess it's a matter of opinion.

I'm not gonna... I'm not gonna get you all some juice. This is ridiculous. Miguel, we need to go back to One now.

Okay, what's One's real name, though?

That kinda takes the whole point out of it, doesn't it? Huh. Huh. It's almost as if we don't want you knowing that, huh? What a strange idea, huh? Hmm, random strangers that can use strange powers, one of which that can unhinge its jaw like a snake. Hmm, yes, let's give them all our confidential information that we use to try and manage this incredibly troublesome time. What a novel idea.

Why are you saying it like that? It sounds like... It sounds like you're-

Because I'm insulting you all.

Oh.

Oh, are you insulting us? I didn't get that. I thought you were being sweet. Also, we're not on an Army base. We're in Pine Forge. You're acting like we're in Area 51.

Also, Danny didn't like that, so he's gonna jinx. [laughs]

Nice. Interfere with her and, like, her seatbelt unhooks or something. [laughs]

Nope, that's not what's gonna happen. [laughs]

Oh, dear.

Here you go, Izaak. Have some fun.

Actually, Danny, as you try to jinx, you hit a wall of energy around her that feels exactly the same as yours. I mean, exactly the same as yours.

Okay. [laughs] I mean, I don't-

As you do this- [laughs]... Her eyes immediately lock on you. You feel a jinx like you just threw thrown at you, and as it hits your energy like it did hers, it dissipates as she frowns at you, Danny, and then goes silent, just looking out the front of the car.

Fine, I'll get the damn thing, okay? And I just hop out and run in and get juices and come back.

You just hop out? You okay. So you hop out and head into Duck Juck Juice.

I just look at the duck, and I'm like... I, like, give him the shush sign. [laughs] And I walk over, and I'm like, just give him, like, the a hand, like, give me something.

He already has your orders ready and just cocks... He just kinda, like, cocks his head which is really strange looking at the duck mascot, and hands you hands you all your drinks, which you know. And he goes, "Welcome back, Lucas. It's good to see you."

I give him a thumbs up and then put my hand out for a high five.

He cocks his head again but actually reaches out tentatively and gives you a very light high five.

I take my drinks, I wave, and I leave. I don't say a word, though.

You go. You leave. You step out and hand the drinks to everyone.

See? That wasn't that hard, was it? Was it, cool girl? No, it wasn't that hard, see? Nothing blew up. I didn't catch anything on fire. Nobody shot lightning. There was no fireballs. Nobody turned into radioactive man. So anyway, smoothies, bitch.

Lucas, you cursed.

Also, can I just can I just call you the welcoming committee? That's your new name, dear, the welcoming committee. What's your favorite drink at Duck Juice, or are you not from here? You're not a local. And then I sip on my drink.

She ignores you again as Miguel sighs and rubs his temples. "All right. Well, now that our little sidetrack is over, let's get back on the road."

I give him one, too.

"thanks, man. Dang, this is nice. No one's ever gotten me a juice before."

Wait, really?

"Oh, God."

Man.

"Look, when sometimes when you're in the service of others, people forget that you're a person, too."

Man, I never forgot, Doober. And I, like, do, like, the, [laughs] like, the peace sign, like, hit my chest, like, I got you.

He smiles, and he turns on the radio, and the very familiar song of Black Water by the Doobie Brothers starts to play as he cranks it.

Nice.

Just blasting it as he smiles and takes off down the road. He's actually driving pretty quick now. You think he's having a little fun with this.

Nice. I lean back, and I look at Danny, and I was like, "Hey, man, what were you gonna say?"

Josh doesn't remember. [laughs]

Okay.

So you guys start driving, and after about, probably about 15 minutes, all three of you recognize at least where you're getting close to. You guys are driving towards Lucas's neighborhood, and, um-

Lucas, we're driving towards your neighborhood. [laughs]

Uh-oh.

Oh, well, gosh so many mysteries, you know. Welcoming committee.

Welcome to my neighborhood, everyone. Are you guys driving to my house? I look over to Mark. I'm like, "Mark, are you fucking driving to my house?"

Lucas, you cursed.

I know. Sorry.

Mark actually goes, "sort of, kinda," as you do actually pull up in front of your house.

Ugh. You guys found my fucking secret lab-

You do pull up in front of your house

... Didn't you? Okay, who... You guys better not have touched my stuff.

Wait.

That means that's my fucking shotgun. You guys stole my shotgun?

All of them go silent. Even Liz, who's been, like, very pointedly ignoring you, like, spin- like, turns around and is like, "Your lab?"

What the heck, you guys? How did you even find my lab?

All right, now we've got some serious questions.

Yeah, fine. And I hop out, [laughs] and I, like, just start walking towards the lab.

They hop out and follow. I'm assuming everyone else is getting out with them?

Yeah.

Sure. You all very much head back. Lucas, you do the whole thing. You lower security at the great surprise of the Mark, Liz, and Miguel as the bunker appears before you. [whooshing sound]

I'm like... I step back, and I give, like, the after you gesture to them.

They actually... They head up in front of you and go, "This is, this is weird. I don't know how to handle this, Lucas. I'm not gonna lie. I was not expecting this. We'll go inside. Tell One you're here. Um-"

One. Oh my God.

"Damn, this is weird." Miguel walks inside, and they all head into the bunker.

Okay, so it's just the three of us outside now, right?

Yep.

Okay. I wanna try and, like, give eyes to Danny and, like, kinda tap my head Professor X style to, like, try and signify that I want him to, like, listen to my thoughts.

Do I notice this?

Yeah.

Okay. I also am gonna tap at my head, like you better let me in on this.

Danny looks at both of them for a second and then says out loud, [laughs] "Do you want me to talk to you in your head?"

Ugh, yes.

"Oh, I'm, I'm sorry. Okay." And then in their heads, he says, "Sorry about that. Sometimes I forget."

It's okay. Okay, so I have a couple ideas. Remember I brought you guys here? So there was Graham the hologram, but I'm a little worried because Midas, my Midas from here, he was connected to the Woodmores somehow. So we already know the Woodmores are, like, real bad, and I don't know who One could be. I mean, maybe it's Chad, or it could be, like, his grandpa or, like, his dad.

Like, they all suck. So I was just gonna say, like, be on your guard. Who knows what's going on? And they probably raided the mini fridge, so don't expect any snacks.

I was going to say it couldn't possibly be Chad, but on the other hand, it would be very him to just go from being Chad VII or whatever to One. He's just gonna start it over. Oh.

Yeah, that's true.

That's disappointing to hear about the snacks.

Yeah. Also true. Okay. Well, yeah, I mean, we just, like... I was gonna say save the world. I don't think we really did do that, though. I'll tell you more about that later.

Also, it wasn't our world.

And we didn't save it. We... I'm pretty sure we made it worse, but I'll tell you about that later.

You could tell it to us now. We're standing out here.

So okay basically all of the creatures that were held in those prisons were being held in by, like, the power of the thermals. And so when we took the thermal powers, all of the creatures got loose. And also Midas, like, kinda led them to rebel and, like, take over the world or something. I don't know.

So we saved the world.

Yeah, exactly. We saved the world. All the anomalies are now in charge, I guess.

Is it normal to feel manipulated?

I guess. I don't... Yeah. I mean, I guess that's kinda what Dotty wanted, so maybe Dotty is, like... I don't know.

You found me. I'm the one. No, I mean, but, like... Then again... Oh, God, I don't even know where I'm at right now.

I mean, for sure Midas didn't want us to go there, and the Coughlins didn't want us to go there. So it I don't think anybody planned for that, but it did sorta happen, and I don't know.

I think, I feel like that's a good thing.

There was a lot of killing, Dotty. The town was getting burned to the ground, you know? And maybe that's already happening here.

Yeah, there's just no escape, is there?

I guess not. I don't even... God. I mean, we're only, like, 16. This is crazy. I'm gonna freaking hyperventilate. I just don't even... [panting] Yeah.

Lucas, it's gonna, it's gonna be okay.

Psychological trauma detected. [laughs] Coming to aid. [laughs] Master Lucas, you appear to be in distress.

Graham. Oh, good. I'm glad you're still here.

Yeah. Graham has... Graham, as you guys are talking and as Lucas starts to freak out appearing literally right next to you is the familiar hologram Graham.

Yeah, Graham. It's good to see you. Do you got like a pill or something?

It is good to see you too, Master Lucas.

Is it time to go down there, or what's going on?

Well, I believe the other resident, One, would like to meet you all

Hey Graham, who is One?

Yeah, I was gonna say the same thing.

I am unauthorized to say.

Okay, hold on.

Well, why are you unauthorized to say? Your only authorization should come from Lucas and the Santiago family.

Incorrect.

Okay. I guess let's go meet One? And I head down the stairs. I definitely have, like... I don't have my claws out, but I'm, like, you know, ready in case anything hits the-

You're battle ready

... Hits the fan, yeah.

Okay.

On high alert.

You three head downstairs, and you see the Mark, Miguel, and Liz all standing. And working at the computer terminal that you all remember being Midas' is a familiar man middle-aged blonde hair with some gray in it. And as he turns around, you are greeted by the familiar and not entirely unexpected face of Chadwick Woodmore VI Chad's father, as his eyes go a bit wide and he goes, "Oh, it's you all."

Okay, definitely at the sight of him, full on fricking battle mode, sword out.

As you do this instantly Miguel shotgun raised Mark. He is in his full static mode, and Liz has summoned two balls of molten fire in her hands. As he raises an arm up, goes, "Enough, not now."

What are you doing in my great uncle's lab? [laughs]

Actually it was, what's your great uncle doing in my lab, Lucas?

It doesn't matter. It's my lab now, and you caused the cataclysm.

Can I use Soothe?

Mm-hmm. [laughs] Do you use Soothe?

Yes.

All right.

I have one job. I say, "Before we all jump to conclusions, maybe we should all relax and drink our duck juices and try to come to grips that I don't think anybody here has One, considering there's huge Arizona style craters all throughout this town."

What does Arizona have to do with it?

There's a, there's a big crater in Arizona, Dan.

Well, I didn't know that.

Also, it was a test, but now you foiled it, because if they said there was no crater in Arizona, then we would know we're in an alternate universe. I'm gonna stop testing for that.

Are we just gonna spend the next, like, 10 seasons testing for that [laughs]?

No. It's, it's... I mean, I'm either, you know, insane, which I'm... I'll be honest that the past hour has not convinced me I'm not. But I'm just gonna roll with this.

I lower my sword, but I'm still in battle form. Like, I feel calmer because she's soothing me, but I'm still, like, skeptical, and I really think he caused this. Like, this is his fault.

You're no, you're no longer enraged, but you are still, you are still very cautious and in battle mode.

Yeah.

And that makes sense. And Chad goes, "Dottie, thank you. That was well needed. We have a... Quite a bit to talk about. I had some hope that Chad would be with you, but seems the corpse I found was the right one."

What?

I think with that, like, Lucas's form kind of deflates back to Lucas's form. You found Chad?

I found Chad. [sighs] Is he okay, or was he the corpse? He was the corpse, Danny.

I put my hand on Danny's back.

He's, he's he's... He's dead?

Where's his body now?

He's buried with the rest of his family.

Wait-

I'm so sorry, sir

... What do you mean the rest of his family? You're here.

Well, I guess I'm one of the last two Woodmores left. You actually watch as just for, just a moment, his form disappears, and where it is just... All you can think of is if a black hole was shaped like a person, as you all suddenly feel your life, your powers, your vision, your hearing, everything, every sense, every sensation, everything that you have start to just disappear for a second, and then as quickly as it appeared, it disappears.

I'm, I apologize. It gets harder to maintain this form when I am upset.

I wanna wake up, please.

I just... I mean, he's a idiot, but somehow he always, he always just managed to make it, make it out alive somehow.

Chad helped, Chad helped us. He helped, he helped a lot

Yeah. He's the only reason we made it through there

I know. It's, it's, it's not easy at all, and I'm sorry. I know you all were friends. I only hoped to get on top of this before it progressed to this level, but I'm sorry to you. I was not prepared enough.

I walk over to him and, like, really sternly faced, I look at him and I go, "Are our parents alive?" [sighs]

Mrs. Fields and the Loosecoughs are alive. Um-

Claws start forming

Lucas, your mother is not dead, but she is missing.

Hmm.

I... When I came here to the lab after the manor was burned, I found this in your house. I haven't been able to find much on it, but it's the only clue I could find. And he pulls out a card, and it reads, "Change yourself today. Get a better future. Delta Corp." and on the bottom is a little patch of familiar black ooze.

Oh, no, it's that thing. Oh, God.

What burned down the manor? Like, was that from the mountain?

No, that was... [sighs] From my progenitor.

What do you mean? [laughs]

Okay. What the hell is going on?

You all are gonna wanna sit for this. I don't know how much you know about Pineforge, how much you know about your powers or how they work here, but I figure if you're going to continue like this, then you need to know as much as we know.

Thought it was a failed mining town. Why is this Area 51? Why is this the Hall of Justice? What's going on?

So first, this world is not as isolated or alone as you all probably thought until recently. There are different places across this world that are gates to other dimensions. [sighs] We have quite a few here in Pineforge, but there are many others in different places of the world. Have any of you heard of the Superstition Mountains?

No.

Not really.

No, but I've heard of the Bermuda Triangle, and there's a place in Japan, Mount Fuji, and I might just be associating things that aren't actually associated, but maybe they're all connected. I don't know.

Well, Danny, you actually hit the nail on the head on this one. Different places in this world have these gates, and these gates allow creatures from other dimensions to come here. [laughs]

It's just Pineforge, though.

But-

It's just Pineforge. It's... I know this town. It's not, it's, it's, it's not, you know, that one town in Pennsylvania that's now all basically hell and everything. This isn't, like, you know, crossroads between... It's Pineforge. It's where I've grown up my entire life.

My... Well, I [laughs] I thank you for that. Me and the other Strangers worked very hard for it to seem that way. I, along with the people you see here and a few others, are what's known as Strangers. We're the group that keeps normalcy in Pineforge. We try and assess the threats of these extra-dimensional beings, either help them relocate, help them adapt, or if they are malicious, neutralize them.

That is what you all stumbled upon in the burrow excavations. We'd seen those before, and the last time, they wreaked havoc on the town. I was trying to destroy them before they could do that again. Luckily, you guys managed to do that for me.

Yeah, us and Chad.

It's not exactly what we wanted to do, but it is how it went down.

I know it's not always the best, and I'm, as I'm sure aware that most of you probably think I'm the monster of this story, but-

You are in charge

... It's much it's much easier to be a monster than hide things in plain view, and I'd rather be the monster of the story than have people see the real ones.

So-

All the believing that all the coverups and all the incidents and all the things that the Woodmoors did that are very shady, well, that was mostly covering up dimensional incidents.

Okay, sure. But what the hell? Like, what the hell do we do now? Like... And I still have this giant bastard sword, I just kinda like drop it. [sword clatters]

Well, you can, seeing as you all now are extraplanar entities, you have some options. We can work on relocating you. There's a lot of things we can do. You aren't malicious. We aren't going to terminate you at all. Don't, don't worry about that....

But this is our home. My mom lives here. I wanna see my mom.

That is something else that is [laughs] I need to talk to you about.

You declared us dead, didn't you?

Well, one reason I'm very surprised to see you all here is we found your corpses next to Chad. [echo]

Well, that's it for this episode of Strangers in the Pines. Don't forget to check us out on social media @therpgempire. Have an awesome day, and play on. [outro music]